Unapologetically Mom Podcast

Finding Yourself Beyond Mom

• Drs. Tonya Loken and Jenny Heidt

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We talk honestly about finding identity beyond the role of mom, from newborn survival mode to the strange quiet of school-aged independence. Practical habits, honest stories, and small rituals show how to let go of guilt and model balance for our kids.

• early motherhood overwhelm and lack of brain space
• first baby anxiety versus later-baby confidence
• reclaiming small daily rituals that feel human
• transitions when kids start school and time opens up
• reviving old passions like cooking, reading, swimming
• handling default-parent dynamics and mental load
• naming guilt, sharing load with partners, setting boundaries
• modeling autonomy and balance for children
• simple, realistic self-care ideas for different seasons

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It helps other moms like you find our community and feel supported too
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SPEAKER_00:

Hello and welcome back to Unapologetically Mom podcast. Today we're gonna talk about kind of a harder topic, I think, for most moms is our identity outside of being a mom. Um, I think that this truthfully is really an important topic. I think when you are in the initial phases of motherhood, right? And you're in the we're not sleeping, um, I'm just trying to survive each day. Thinking about having an identity or having any time for yourself, or like what do I enjoy is really, really hard. Um, and then now, like, I'm more at a place where my kids are older and both in school now, and that was also a huge shift for me mentally finding like now I actually have a little bit of free time and a smidge of brain space to like start thinking about well, what does Jenny want to do and what do I want to do with with my time um and what are now my interests? Because obviously they have changed a bit since having having kids um and also like working, but I also remember initially, right, where Tanya is now gonna be entering this new motherhood phase again where you don't have the brain space to be able to think about it. Um I mean, right?

SPEAKER_01:

Okay, we were just talking about that, and it's so strange because very similar to you, my two oldest are in school, and Hudson is in daycare full-time, so working and kind of sending them to school daycare allows me to have some time to myself, but now thinking, oh my goodness, like we're gonna have a newborn again in February, and I don't remember what that's like. I don't remember the because now it'll be the fourth time we've done this. I don't remember the oh my gosh, you're right. I I don't sleep, like you're up, you're feeding, you're changing, you're not sleeping, you're I I don't know, like and with your first one, it's so overwhelming.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, and like I feel like I with my oldest struggled really hard and just I mean overwhelm. I that's the only word that really ever comes to mind is like it's just so overwhelming, and you don't know what you don't know, and you're stuck in that like bubble of newbornness and you're tired, and so it's hard to even like come up with um any space for yourself. And I guess I even in in office with with patients of mine who are are pregnant and see me during their pregnancy, um, my main piece of advice as they're getting ready to have have their baby is try to find 10 or 15 minutes a day to do something for yourself that makes you feel a little bit more human and like yourself. And right, like sometimes it can be even just taking a shower by yourself or reading a book and maybe not falling asleep, or watching a show that you enjoy, but just something that gives you a little bit of identity outside of being a mom of a newborn. Um, so I think that helps a lot with like your mental clarity and just like your overall happiness for you as you go.

SPEAKER_01:

I remember when Harrison was born, I was always so worried about him crying and like me feeding him and trying to keep my milk supply up, and which was a whole nother topic and a disaster in and of itself. But I remember leaving putting him in the rock and play with the shower door open, halfway in the shower, me taking a shower so that just in case he cried I could hear him, and which is so wildly different from having my third with Hudson. I literally was like, here, husband, take the baby, I'm going to shower. Like, there was no like, oh I'll just bring the baby with me, or I totally did that. There there was none, there was none of that the third time. I was like, I don't know, let's let the cats watch the kid. Like it's fine.

SPEAKER_00:

Um, yeah. I I mean I remember even like having we had like uh what is it called? Not a dock-a-ta. We had to snuggle me, and I would like carry that around the house with them in it to like if I was in the kitchen, they couldn't be five feet away from me in the living room. I had to literally bring them everywhere or everywhere that I went, much less even the thought of like trying to exercise or like do anything was always yeah, it was rough. Um, but I think for me now at least, and you a little bit, Tanya, but uh now with my girls in school, I struggled a lot when like the whole month of September because they're they're both in school. Like, what happened? Like, I'm never gonna have a little one again, and we are at a much different phase in parenting or a different season of parenting than we were before, and so now I'm finding like where I have pockets of of time where I like I don't know what I can do at this time, and again trying to be like, well, what does Jenny want to do now? Because, right, like I think as sad as it makes me, we now have like play dates and different things, even on the weekends, where they want to kind of do their own thing, and I think that only gets to be more, which is very hard for me to accept, but I think I will have more and more time to figure out like what are things that I want, and so trying to again how do I find like my identity outside of being Finlay and Emery's mom?

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, I it was a couple of nights ago I went and I was supposed to meet up with some friends and it didn't work out, and I ended up driving around for a bit, and it was really nostalgic because I used to do that in high school and in college. I'd like to get in my car and just go drive and listen to music, and I was like, wow, my kids are at home, like they're safe with dad, like it's fine, and I'm just being myself, right? I'm just able to go and and do whatever I feel like doing. Um, and a few weeks ago I I really enjoy Barnes Noble, like it's probably one of my favorite places, and I can honestly say that I've really been in and out of Barnes and Noble probably twice in the last 10 years. And I went into Barnes Noble and I just browsed, and I ended up buying something for the children, of course. Um always, not for myself, always, but it was so nice to just like I went and looked at the cookbooks, I went and looked at the cooking section, I went and looked at the medical books, like that's what I did, and it was so nice to remind myself that I enjoy doing these things outside of caring for my children and playing Blade Blades with my son on the weekends, like and I'm excited to be able to explore that more. Like, even with a newborn, right? Newborns are easy, they just ride along, they're just along for the ride, but easy, sure. Um, well, when it's your fourth, when it's your fourth, it's fine. Um, but to go and like find recipes that I like, and so I've really been trying to find those things that I used to really enjoy, like cooking. Um, and we've probably made like five or six homemade meals in the last couple of weeks that were a little more involved than just like veggies, rice, and chicken, right? Which also makes me feel like a real person again. And I know that sounds silly, like I'm you know, I but a real person, like someone who it's something that brought you joy before and like getting back to those things.

SPEAKER_00:

And that's like I mentioned last week, but like I started swimming again because that's something that I did all the way through college and hadn't done for I don't know, really like probably for sure 10 years, and I really enjoy it, and I feel like those are the days where my my attitude and my mood are probably the best because I got to spend do something, spend time doing something that I really enjoy, and that makes me feel I guess separated from my children a bit. Where it's like I can do this and I have the ability to makes me feel good. I like it.

SPEAKER_01:

It's interesting because I also in my head think okay, my children are the their own little humans, and they see themselves as autonomous from me, and I used to see myself autonomous from them, and now it's really weird to even just like think about the future of, like you said, play dates and like kids going and playing with their friends, and like not actually needing you or even caring that you're around. Um, they still need us, they just did in different ways, but you know, it's like oh yeah, okay, go with your friend, like that's fine. But now what? Now what do I do? And so finding those little things that I can do when they're even off just playing together, which is also very refreshing, but that I can do that just isn't necessarily kid focused, I think gives me a better peace of mind and like a better state of mind when I'm when I'm not just twiddling my thumbs waiting for them to come and ask me a question.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, for sure. So kind of bringing it around to like our advice for all of the people listening. Um, you know, first-time moms, I think it's a little bit trickier, especially if you're in that like I would say even like one and under section, where I think just trying to find very small pockets of time where you can just do something small that makes you feel like yourself, whether it's like going out for dinner or coffee with a friend, whether it's like going to a workout class, whether it's going to Target by yourself, if you do enjoy reading, if you do listen, like enjoy listening to music, like whatever it is, or going to a movie, but like something that you can do that is like truly for you for a hot minute, um, just helps kind of keep you going until you get a little bit more free time. Um, and then from there I would say, like for me, it's like I sat down and just like what are things that I enjoy doing that would bring me joy, help make me a better mom, help make me a better wife, help make me just and better, a better human in general. Um, and I like kind of wrote out my things, like these are the things that I like doing. I always go back to exercising because I do, I really like working out. I like the challenge physically, um, and like keeping it into a keeping it not super crazy, but what can I do weekly that is fun for me, that makes me feel like I'm doing this for me specifically and no one else.

SPEAKER_01:

And also I think we get, you know, one other thing to remind ourselves of is that it at least I personally get I feel guilty, like handing the kids off to my husband or taking time for myself, and I I've tried to really like let that go. And it's hard. Right, I feel like I'm I'm gonna say the default parent in the sense that it's never it's always mom, mom, mom, mom, where are you?

SPEAKER_00:

Mom, mom. Like, where's this? Give me this. I need this. Where's my water bottle? I need water. Fill up my water bottle. I'm like, fill up your own water bottle. Right.

SPEAKER_01:

Like you can reach the fridge now yourself. Yes. Um, and often, you know, and not to my husband's fault, but like he's sitting on the couch doing something or watching TV or whatever. And I'm like, guys, dad's right over there. Like, go help, go ask him. Um, and so just trying not to feel guilty about just having, you know, like leaning on your partner for support and help when you feel overwhelmed or when you feel like you haven't had a minute to just be yourself. Like, if you haven't gone to the bathroom by yourself this week, like you should change that.

SPEAKER_00:

I agree. And even like, so for me now, like the girls are a bit older, so I can now actually like take a bath. I love ups and so baths, um, and I can do a bath by myself. Like, I go, I kind of sneak downstairs because I will say if they know that I go, they always like to join me still. But I can usually sneak downstairs now for 15-20 minutes, and they seem to do okay without me, and it's kind of kind of great. And then also I get a little bit sad that I have to remind myself that no, Jenny, it's 20 minutes, like you deserve 20 minutes to sit in this bath in silence and whatever, clear my mind or prepare my prep prepare my thoughts for the week or whatever it might be. And obviously, like my conversations that I talk about with friends or whatever always goes back to the girls, right? Like Tanya's point, like go to Barnes Noble or I go to Target and I'm buying them stuff, not myself, right? And so you always come back around, but I think trying to like just separate a little bit and having a little bit of that self-identity is really really helpful in in a lot of ways, and I very much agree with Tanya that you have to let go of the guilt, which is it's a hard one.

SPEAKER_01:

Yep, and I I don't know. I mean, maybe we should pull dads, but like do they feel guilty? I don't think so.

SPEAKER_00:

When when they are just you know going to the things different, right? Like how moms are connected to kids versus how dads, it's it's definitely different, and I'm not saying that they don't maybe miss them or that they like come up with like oh I would love or I wish such and such was with me doing this experience, but I think for the most part they can turn it off a lot easier than moms can.

SPEAKER_01:

That's maybe true. I don't know. Even now I think about just like, oh, we should go on a vacation. I wonder where the kids would like to go. Yeah, like instead of being like, I want to go X, Y, and Z place. Wow, where should we go that the kids would have fun? But also, this too is a season, and this two shall pass, and eventually our children will be grown and will have like their own friends and their own lives, and they probably won't want to hang out with us as much. And so trying to embrace a little bit of finding yourself again, finding you and your why, because that also, like Jenny said, makes makes you a better mom, makes you a better partner, makes you a better wife, makes you a better business owner, whatever your other role is. Um, and then also I think it just also shows our children that you know, like, yeah, we're your mom, but we also too have other things, and our kids can learn from that as well. The loss of a person. Yeah, the the balance, the maybe it's service work, maybe it's church life, maybe it's you know, your business, whatever it is, like they learn also from seeing you do, and so just being a model and example for them, like mom's gonna take 10 minutes for myself because it's good for her body, or you know, it makes mom happy, like what makes you happy. And I think those things are good skills to talk about and teach your kids to. I love that totally. Thanks so much for spending a little time with us today. If this episode spoke to you, please follow the podcast and leave a quick review. It helps other moms like you find our community and feel supported too. And if you have a friend who could use a little encouragement, share this episode with her. Thanks for listening and remember, you're doing an amazing job.